(Emotionally) Sober...

All my life I've dealt with pain by distracting myself, whether it be with sleep, fantasies, lies, friends, sexuality, etc. Distraction comes natural to me because it's what I saw the people I grew up with do to dull the pain of their problems. Drinking, smoking, snorting, spending, and fucking all the misery into oblivion, only to relive it with each coherent moment. And as of late I understand better than ever why they don't want to feel the pain. I've understood it so well that I've been tempted to try their method, letting substances carry me away from all of my sorrows...but I don't want to do that. I don't want to not feel.

As I confessed to my close friends, I don't know how to quickly rise above my problems without sinking first. I have to sink down into the pain and agonize in it, if need be, before I can rise up from it and eventually rise above it. Now, for the 1st time in my life I didn't run from my problems and I didn't hide them. I embraced them, shared them with my friends and I let myself sink without hesitation. I let myself feel every shred of pain and confusion, every tear filled day and night (and there have been many) and every sobering reality that it revealed to me. I'm proud of myself for doing that, for being "emotionally" and literally sober. I feel like I finally got it right, like I finally realized how to care for myself in the times when I really need to save myself, love myself. I've never felt so good sober...